Marriage and Commitment (phobia & symptoms)

Assalamualaikum,

Dear readers, I assume you might have encountered this phrase;

If they are sincere enough, they wont asked for love, they wont asked for u.. BUT they will take your hand in a marriage. ITS the most proper way to show honesty, sincerity, and most important the LOVE that he is spitting out.

(https://chicwannabe.wordpress.com/2011/06/27/never-let-banana-fruit-two-times/#more-722)

Well, as I revise back all my post for clearance, as I wanna delete entries which are NOT good or NOT so appropriate,  I read those phrase and I am realizing something BIG that occurring in my life.

I am afraid of commitment 

Marriage = Commitment

It is not only once guys has been asking my hand for a marriage. But quite LOTs you know. All my answer are quite the same.

1. Haha, whats the rush? I’m still young not even 25.
2. I wont be married till I am 27 years old. Sorry
3. I wanna get a job, get a car and a house before married
4. Do you have confident to take care of me, spend money on me, and most importantly, you are not only gonna marry me but my whole BIG family. Do you dare??
5. Let me finish my study first.

Pity me right? All these while, I am blaming those who have been saying Love to me but end up marrying someone else is a super bad guy. In fact, I am the one who are not willing to marry them. Gosh, it takes me LONG time to discover that I am suffering from a “COMMITMENT PHOBIA”!!

The symptoms of commitment phobia are wide and varied, and are only really limited by the imagination of the commitment phobic person themselves. Some of the most typical symptoms of commitment phobia involve the commitment to relationships. Where someone has a fear of committing to relationships, this may happen at the very start of the relationship (or even before), or may develop once the relationship is established. Commitment phobia symptoms often appear as a sudden feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes the feeling of being trapped in the relationship.

Here are few symptoms of commitment phobia;(http://www.anxietymatters.com/symptoms_of_anxiety/phobias/commitment_phobia/symptoms_of_commitment_phobia.htm#6

 Criticism of a Partner

The person with commitment phobia may be extremely critical of their partner, the environment the relationship is in, or of the relationship itself.  Criticism are the unconscious attempt by the person with the commitment phobia to deflect the ‘blame’ off of themselves onto their partner.

“I want to get married one day, but you keep pressuring me too much”.

Taking this one stage further, the person with commitment phobia may end up hurting their partner’s feelings even when no ‘pressure’ is being put on them.

*this means that sufferer keep on denying everything and instead they put all the faults to their partners. 

Hurting Their Partner

Often, this happens when there isn’t any ‘pressure’ on the commitment phobic.  they are just attempting to keep the relationship ‘at arms length’,(Means not too serious) even if this means their partner getting hurt. It can seem like the person with commitment phobia is attempting to sabotage the relationship, even if the relationship itself seems to be perfectly ok. Of course, sometimes commitment phobia can affect the person’s behavior even before they enter into a relationship…

*as for me, THIS SYMPTOM is the most obvious. Even everything goes well, I’m trying hard to find His fault even if he doesn’t have one, I am making one! what a worst type of girl I am. 

Scared of Getting Noticed

Someone with commitment phobia may exhibit behavior very similar to that of someone with ‘social phobia’. This can mean that the person doesn’t go out much, avoids social situations, avoids eye contact, or simply appears ‘shy’. The unconscious motivation behind this of course, is that if the person doesn’t meet many people, and then doesn’t ‘engage’ with the people that they do meet, then they are much less likely to fall into the dreaded ‘relationship’ scenario. If approached, the person with commitment phobia will often just reject the advances of the other person, so that any potential relationship never really has much of a chance to get going in the first place. They just protect themselves from others getting too close.

* I don’t think I acquire this symptom because I’m an outgoing, activing girl. 

Unrealistic Ideals

The ‘distancing themselves from others’ technique that we just mentioned however, sometimes isn’t enough on its own.  It occasionally needs some help from other ‘reasons’ for the person with commitment phobia to avoid a particular situation. For example, sometimes the person with commitment phobia will inadvertently find themselves getting closer and closer to someone they’ve met, without even really noticing it themselves.

Sometimes it’s only when the other person seems to want to progress the relationship to the next level that the person with commitment phobia feels the need to ‘escape’ from the situation. This is where the commitment phobic person may need to employ other techniques of escape.  They may recognize all sorts of positive aspects in their potential partner, but will still find some standard that the person doesn’t match up to…

“yes I know she’s a lovely person, and that she’d be a great wife, and that she loves me, and that she does all that charity work, and….(etc, etc)…   but she’s a Sagittarius isn’t she…  I couldn’t possibly marry a Sagittarius!”

“I need a wife who’s earning a lot more than she does”

“If only she was half-an-inch taller I’d marry her in an instant”

When friends and relatives tell the person with commitment phobia that they’re being “too picky” and that ‘Mr Right’ or ‘Miss Right’ doesn’t exist, the commitment phobic will insist that they do, and they’ll find them one day.

*GOSH! I really do believe I am going to find my dream guy. Is it unrealistic???? 

(https://chicwannabe.wordpress.com/2011/06/29/dream-guy/)

The Unavailable Partner – The Affair

One of the most certain ways for the person with commitment phobia to keep a relationship ‘at arms length’ is to get into a ‘safe’ relationship. One way to do this is for the person with commitment phobia to get into a relationship with someone who, for one reason or another is ‘unavailable’ to them in the long term. One way of achieving this, is for the commitment phobic to enter into a relationship with a married person, or someone already in a long term relationship.  This makes it very unlikely that the person with commitment phobia will then have to face the prospect of that relationship going any further.

In this situation, they are relying on the fact that it is unlikely that the other person will leave their partner to come to be with them on a permanent basis. If that person does leave their partner of course, that leaves the commitment phobic with a new problem, which may cause them to resort to some of the other techniques talked about here. Of course, the ‘unavailable partner’ can be unavailable for different reasons…

*Wow, No wonder la If I always love someone after He became somebody’s special guy. If this is true, when I’m with somebody’s guy actually I got no intention to snatch him away but just wanna get some love??? waaa pity me again, I am a true love beggar!! Ya Allah HELP ME!!!

The Unavailable Partner – The Long Distance Relationship

(Well I’m pretty much experiencing this kind of relationship since schooling… )

The ‘long-distance relationship’ speaks for itself.   The commitment phobic who lives in London and their boyfriend/girlfriend lives in Australia for example. The commitment phobic unconsciously ‘knows’ that the chances of that person giving up everything to travel half way around the world to be with them is very remote.

Again, the person with commitment phobia is keeping the relationship at a nice distance. There are of course, many other ways that the person with commitment phobia can form relationships with people who for one reason or another simply aren’t available to them for a full scale relationship.  The ones we’ve mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg.

They may just form a relationship with someone they ‘know’ won’t be interested in them in the long term, such as…

The Commitment Phobic Partner

For the commitment phobic person, forming a relationship with another person who also has commitment phobia is a pretty safe bet.  The chances of those two people getting together in the long term are quite remote… both partners unconsciously ‘know’ this, and actually, this situation can suit both commitment phobic’s.  As they both suffer from commitment phobia, this meets the needs of both people, at least in the short term.

Commitment Phobia and the Long Term Relationship

Of course, everyone is different.  One person suffering from commitment phobia might react to it in a completely different way to another commitment phobic. Each person has their own commitment phobia ‘trigger’… the event or stage of relationship that triggers their ‘fear’. Some commitment phobic’s do get into long term relationship and after being in that relationship for a long time, it’s only then that the ‘trigger’ happens, and they feel ‘fear’.

At that stage, someone with commitment phobia might describe the feeling of being ‘trapped’ in the relationship, or in some way trapped or ‘pressured’ by the other person. If this happens, the person with commitment phobia usually has to find a way to distance themselves from their partner. In a long term relationship, this can, of course, cause a lot of hurt and upset to the partner of the person with commitment phobia.

The ‘Yo-Yo-ing’ Effect in Commitment Phobia (Main tarik tali)

This can happen when a commitment phobic is in a relationship, but suddenly feels trapped or pressured.  Their response is often to ‘run away’…. So they might sabotage or end the relationship, even at the expense of their partner’s feelings. Once they have ‘run away’ from the relationship, the commitment phobic often starts to feel ‘emptiness’.  They start to realize that they did love their partner after all.  This emptiness… missing the other person, can often cause them to go back to them.

Of course, once back in the relationship again, and after everything has ‘settled down’, the relationship quickly starts to head back towards their ‘trigger’ again.

“Now, before you left we were talking about getting married weren’t we”.

Before you know it, the commitment phobic is off again.  Then they’re back…. Then they’re off… and so on. This ‘yo-yo-ing’ effect can go on for some time because the partner of the commitment phobic is often just so glad to get them back, that they’ll put up with all the uncertainty in between.

*Okay this is very bad! I am totally and exactly like this!!!! NOW I don’t really know am I actually love my guy or not!!! D***!! What am I exactly?? tell me!!!

The Serial Commitment Phobic

Another way for a person with commitment phobia to avoid having to become involved in a long term relationship is to form a series of superficial relationships that are almost certainly never going to lead to anything more long-term. This may give the commitment phobic the appearance of being promiscuous, or overly flirtatious, perhaps having a series of sexual partners for example.  The person with serial commitment phobia may be labeled by their friends and family as promiscuous, but would rather have that, than become committed to a relationship.

*Wari2 to my love one. (which I dont really know if I am truly really love you or not). I know I am such an ugly hideous jerk.

The Fear of Commitment to Anything

Most of this article has been about the person who has commitment phobia and their personal relationships.   Of course, we mustn’t forget that commitment phobia can affect the person’s commitment to anything. Someone with commitment phobia might find it difficult to gain job security, being afraid to pursue a career in case they get ‘stuck in a rut’. A person with commitment phobia can feel their commitment phobia feelings come up at any time where they feel out of control, trapped, insecure, pressured, or ‘swamped’. Often the commitment phobic will be afraid of losing their independence, or might fear losing sight of who they really are.

*I might not come to this stage YET! but I really hope I might recover FAST before it affecting my JOB and my future. YA Allah, Bantulah aku….. 

Therapy for Commitment Phobia are by Understanding Commitment Phobia

Commitment phobia can be understood…  For both the person suffering with commitment phobia, and the partner of the commitment phobic, this understanding of commitment phobia can often make life so much easier.

How to feel more in control, stop the endless cycle of relationship break-ups, and get the relationship that you want

To feel more in control, stop the endless cycles of relationship break-ups, get the relationship that you want, and feel happier and more settled in your love life?

If that’s you, the first thing for you to know is that you CAN do it!… all you need, is for someone to show you how….

When you understand commitment phobia, you’ll see just how simple it is to overcome it! – You can bring and end to those cycles of relationships and break-ups, and have a loving, caring and comfortable relationship.

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YA Allah, Lord who owns me, I put my hand together, I pray to you to let me be free from suffering this Illness. 

I may not be who I really am before, I may not know the truth behind this circumstances, but I may know that someday, InsyaAllah, I may recover and by then I may get someone who really do understand me and help me go through this unfortunate event.

So now, I have been realizing the MOST important thing in my life. Like what Paul said, JUST KNOW THAT I CAN DO ThiS!!

Readers, whoever you are, wherever you are from, whether you are sufferer like me, or have witnesses someone as unlucky as me, let us walk with confident no matter what falls upon us, we will survive! InsyaAllah~

I wanna get old with someone I Love~~

S.M.I.L.E 

^_^